Google Announces Music Player

From the moment I received a call from Viral Marketman, Google’s product marketing manager, I was frantically contemplating what the secret press conference is about. Today I was blindfolded and taken to a top secret location where the announcement was made. Folks, hold your breath - Google has released Google Listen (Beta), a music player that will directly compete with IPod!

 

“Today, we have taken another big step towards organizing the world’s information,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt in front of a choosen audience of 1000 press reporters. When asked about how Google is going to provide content for the new player, Eric said “We are in the process of converting all the music in the world into gmp3, Google’s new music compression format”. “gmp3 will make it extremely easy for listeners to find music of their taste,” Eric added.

Google plans to make all the songs freely downloadable. “We believe that obscurity, not record sales, is the no. 1 problem faced by artists today. By making the songs freely accessible, we are doing a great service to the artists,” Google’s Founder Larry Page responded when a few reporters raised copyright concerns. “This is a perfect example of fair use as per the US Copyright Laws”, said David Drummond, Google’s Attorney. “Artists always have the option to opt-out using our simple five page form,” Larry added. Artists who don’t see their music in Google’s database can upload their songs using the soon to be released Google Base.

Google Listen (Beta) will be available by invitation only. Interested users can initiate the invitation process by giving out their own cell phone number, and the cell phone numbers of five friends. “We have carefully installed a invitation process to keep pirates away from our gmp3 music files,” said Sergy Brin, Google’s other founder. After giving the cell phone numbers , users will be required to send in a home video of themselves dancing to and singing “I Love Google”. By doing this, the users give Google the right to display the videos in Google Video. Meanwhile, a Ebay user named GoogleRepresentative has started auctioning invitations.

Omid Kordestani, Google’s Senior Vice President of Global Sales and Business Development, explained the business model behind Google Listen (Beta). “We will have paid voice advertisements played whenever a user attempts to play a song”. To this, Larry Page added: “The advertisements will only be good advertisements. An antenna installed in each music player will track the location of the user at all times and help us deliver highly targetted ads”. Larry and Omid brushed off questions about privacy.

Google Listen (Beta) is released as a Beta now. “The BETA logo is designed to be peelable by the user, and we will let them know when to peel it off,” explained Sergey. Steve Jobs in a statement to the press welcomed fresh competition from Google. Microsoft’s CEO Steve Ballmer followed with a press release announcing a new music player gadget for Microsoft Live. “We will have a music player for our users by early 2019, and users will be able to download music through Microsoft Live,” he said. He further added: “I also want to take the opportunity to reiterate that I have never thrown a chair in my life”.

Milwaukee Outsources Law Enforcement

With the Iraq occupation drying up resources, the police force is now forced to cut budgets and send more and more of it’s members to Iraq. Milwaukee alone has experienced a 36% increase in crime rate. In a desparate attempt to control crime, the mayor of Milwaukee Kathy Drumbell approaches S Ramdaroga, CEO of Toota Consultancy Services, India’s top outsourcing services outfit:

“Hello Madam, what can I do for you”
“Ramdaroga, Humare state mein dunga fusaad bahut badh gaya hai, humein aapki madad chahiye”
“Parwah Illah Madam, We have highly qualified candidates from prestigious Indian School of Security Servicess - ISSS”
“ISSS? Humne toh yeh naam kabhi suna nahin”
“Err..Don’t worry madam, our people are very well trained and our services are CMM 555 and ISO 420 certified!”
“Bahut acha, Bahut acha, How much is it going to cost?”
“We are very cheap madam, 100 dollars per man hour”
“100 dollars! you kidding me? Hum log to gareeb hain, itney paise nahin dey saktey”
“Okay Okay, 50 dollars a dozen”
“Done”

Venkateswara Murugan is on his first assignment as Assistant Speed Analyst on I-90 in a white Ford Crown Victoria equipped with the latest electronic police gadgets, talking to Amma using the satellite phone.

“Hello Amma, me Ventateswara amma, how are you, are you able to hear me?”
“Yello, Ventkataswara, entiappa, i am able to hear you loud and clear. How are you, how is your new job?”
“Excellent Amma, talking from free phone amma, client has also given me big free car amma - twice the size of ambassador”
“Are you eating well?”
“Yes amma, today Janaki packed me some idli and kondipoddy, and I am drinking some homemade filter coffee rignt now!”

Just then a speeding black Mercedes with steel rims zooms past and makes the radar go crazy.

“One minute Amma…Aiyyo, I just got my driving license in the 4th attempt..I haven’t even seen Niagara falls yet..and if I don’t go for it, they will send me back”

So he pulls himself together and presses on the gas pedal with all his might. His car wriggles like a snake everytime he changes lanes, but, He manages to catch up with the unsuspecting Mercedes which pulls over. Mr Venkat brakes and falls an inch short of hitting the Mercedes. He comes out wiping the sweat on the back of his neck and feeling proud of himself.

“Sir, I think..like..you are like..I mean, basically speeding”
“Yo..check this out man..”, says the driver looking back to his passengers. “Whass going on man? You out of your mind? Take that blue light off your cab Indian”
“No sir, you don’t understand, I am like..you know..”
“So you’re what..mobile seven eleven?”
“I am Officer Venkat sir, can I take a look at your goggles, Sir”
“No kidding man, show me your badge first”
“Here..”
“This is serious man, here you go”
“Ray-ban! What’s it worth?”
“don’t know, some 200 dollars”
“hey hey..200 dollars..that’s 8000 rupees..can I have it?”
“sure keep it man..whatever..we have some grass too..want some?”
“No sir, In our country only cows eat grass..Thank You..come again”